Navigating Financial Stress in Relationships: Tips From Couples Therapists
Regardless of whether you have a financial adviser, if you experience stress about money in your relationship, a couples therapist might be the right choice right now. These pro tips can help you navigate the waters of financial stress.
Financial stress is one of the top struggles for couples. In fact, 38% of couples report that financial problems were the cause of their divorce, and almost three-quarters of couples who marry or live together say that money decisions negatively affect their relationships.
You and your partner may come from dissimilar financial backgrounds and have different expectations as to what money can or should buy. One of you might earn more than the other, leading to resentment about the inequality. Financial issues that cause stress in a relationship include:
Having different financial goals
Not communicating about money
Hiding your money
Hiding your spending
Having drastically different incomes
Having excessive debt
In addition to getting a financial adviser to help you both learn to manage money together, couples therapy can help. Your therapist can help you uncover the unconscious beliefs and behaviors you have about money and help you develop the communication skills you need to talk about it without rancor.
Led by Maggie Vaughan, MFT, PhD, our team at Happy Apple in New York City is committed to helping you and your partner build the best relationship possible. You can work with us in person at our Columbus Circle office or virtually through our HIPAA-secure private portal.
When dealing with couples concerns like financial disagreements we use evidence-based techniques, such as emotionally focused therapy (EFT), internal family systems (IFS), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and the Gottman method.
Are you in the midst of financial stress in your relationship? Consider these tips from our counselors.
Face the problem
Ignoring your feelings about money, pretending to yourself that “money doesn’t matter,” or trying to avoid conflict by not talking about money can backfire. You may be tempted to ignore the financial problems in your relationship due to:
Shame
Feelings of being overwhelmed
Fear about the future
Anger over debt
Resentment over inequality
No matter the reason, the best first step is to set up a regular time to talk about your finances with your partner. Schedule a specific date and time, ideally on at least a monthly basis, to look at where you are and where you want to be. You may wish to involve a couples therapist or a financial adviser to keep these conversations focused.
Understand that it’s about more than just money
Money isn’t just about bills and coins, or even digital currency. Money reflects a variety of unconscious beliefs and behaviors. Wealthy people often feel entitled to their wealth and may lack compassion for people who haven’t achieved their status.
If you and your partner have very different attitudes and expectations about money, it may affect every aspect of the way you both interact with the world. Similarly, if your financial goals are different, it could affect many other parts of your relationship.
A counselor can help you both unpack your beliefs and expectations around money so you understand some of the issues that underlie your financial stress.
Learn to listen when discussing money
As with any area of potential conflict, it’s important to allow your partner the freedom to express themselves and their ideas and desires surrounding your finances. Each of you should make an effort to listen with an open mind. Don’t interrupt, contradict, or try to change each other’s minds.
And when you’re speaking, using “I” statements instead of “you” statements can help minimize conflict or escalations. For instance, instead of saying, “You spend too much money,” keep the focus on yourself and your feelings. Try saying something like, “I feel scared and uncomfortable when I see so much money going out of our account.”
Ask for help
You may believe your education didn’t prepare you for handling money, never mind trying to do so with a partner who has different ideas about finances. A therapist can help you develop the listening and communication skills you need to talk about hot-button issues like financial stress.
Do you and your partner need a better way to talk about money? Contact our Happy Apple team for couples therapy today to improve your finances tomorrow.
