How Cultural Differences Impact Couples Counseling
You’re all in for couples counseling, but your partner isn’t. They consider counseling shameful or an admission of defeat, and their family believes that couples should solve their own problems, privately. What do you do?
When you and your partner decided to get together, you happily accepted each other’s cultural differences as part of the chemistry that made you such a great couple. Even if you had disagreements over such things as how to raise your children, you somehow ironed them out.
But other issues have arisen in your relationship that threaten to tear you apart. You think that couples therapy could help you communicate better and improve your problem-solving skills. Your partner doesn’t agree.
At Happy Apple, our expert team of counselors led by Maggie Vaughan, MFT, PhD, offer couples counseling that respects cultural differences. No matter what values you and your partner hold, we help you communicate better.
Are you afraid that cultural differences in your relationship may upend your couples therapy? Here are some things to consider.
Counseling isn’t a blame game or a shame game
Your partner may resist couples counseling because they believe, in their culture and according to the values that formed them, that seeking outside help is a sign of weakness. Instead, think of a couples counselor as a relationship coach who helps both of you identify your strengths as a couple and as individuals and pinpoints areas that need improvement.
Just as successful athletes and businesspeople feel no shame in relying on coaches to up their game, a couple who seeks counseling is also interested in getting better. Counseling teaches you important relationship skills that affect every aspect of your lives together and apart, such as:
Active listening
Using “I” statements instead of blaming “you” statements
Setting realistic, achievable goals
Better understanding yourself and your values
Identifying unconscious beliefs
Replacing negative beliefs with positive ones
Your counselor doesn’t take sides. They don’t view you or your partner as “broken.” All couples benefit from strengthening their listening and communication skills.
Choose your therapist together
If you try to drag your partner to a therapist that you’ve found on your own, they may feel that the cards are stacked against them. Instead, ask them what kind of counselor or coach they’d feel most comfortable with and choose a few to meet together.
When your partner feels as though they have a say in who acts as your objective helper, it lessens the chances that they think you’re trying to “fix them.” The point of couples therapy is to fix the relationship by improving the skills of both partners.
Let us know what’s important to you
When you come as a couple for help, our counselors are deeply interested in each of you as individuals, too. Both of you fill out paperwork that helps you reflect on your needs, values, and goals. Your answers also help us get to know you better so we can choose the best approach to help you reach your goals.
We accommodate the different beliefs and values that you and your partner may have. We help you understand the unconscious beliefs that formed your value system and those that formed your partner’s.
Couples therapy tends to be short term
Some people resist therapy because they think it’s an endless investigation into their personal pain, without any resolution. However, it’s self-limited by design because it focuses on goals. Most couples complete their counseling within 12 sessions.
Couples counseling emphasizes communication skills. Once you learn the skills that help you listen to each other objectively, respond clearly and succinctly, and work together to achieve goals, you don’t need a counselor anymore.
You might check back from time to time, just to brush up on your skills. Or, as you progress in your journey through life, certain issues may challenge your skills and you might want to focus on those specific problems. Counseling on specific couples concerns might require just six or fewer sessions.
Start alone, if you must
When you know you’d benefit from couples therapy but can’t find a way to involve your partner, feel free to reach out for individual therapy. The skills you learn — such as actively listening and responding without blame — improve your relationship, even if your partner doesn’t attend.
When they see the changes in you and in the ways you interact with them, that may be enough to convince them that couples counseling is beneficial.
Are cultural differences affecting your relationship? We can work with you toward positive change. Contact Happy Apple today by phone or book an appointment online for couples counseling or individual therapy.
