Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity: A Therapist's Guide

One of the most difficult hurdles to get past in a marriage is infidelity. Without a serious commitment from both partners, it’s difficult to re-establish a common baseline from which to proceed. 

It is possible to restore trust when it’s an active process, though it’s a journey for which many need guidance. The relationship specialists at Happy Apple® have the background and experience in couples therapy to assist you through this difficult transition. 

The nature of trust

While you feel the existence of trust as belief and faith, these are shattered in the aftermath of infidelity. One of the most hopeless feelings for both partners is the absence of trust, with no sense of how to get in touch with those feelings of belief and faith again. 

Couples therapy using the Gottman Method provides a working road map of practical actions and behaviors that help to guide a sincere couple back to a place where they can once again achieve a real foundation for trust. 

The Gottman Method

Though emotions and feelings are hard to quantify, observing how couples navigate conflict isn’t. This is the basis on which Dr. John Gottman focused years of study. 

With an educational background in mathematics, Dr. Gottman later applied these skills to his training in clinical psychology. He found that successful couples maintained or exceeded a ratio of 5:1 between positive and negative interactions. 

Simply put, each negative interaction, be it an argument, criticism, or withdrawal, is outweighed by five positive interactions, connections made with affection, intimacy, and respect in enduring partnerships. The challenge is finding a way to rebuild this success ratio after infidelity. 

Developing an action plan

In therapy, we’ll help you develop healthy communication skills that aid positive interactions, but these are only successful when both partners commit to the process and take on a few fundamental tasks. 

The betraying partner must end the affair immediately, if they haven’t already done so, practicing full and honest disclosure about the affair while expressing remorse for their actions. They must accept responsibility for the traumatic feelings caused by their actions. Apologies must be sincere, as must their promises to remain faithful. 

The betrayed partner must sincerely work toward forgiveness. Practical steps to that end include expressing feelings without accusations and avoiding dwelling on details of the affair. They must also give themselves room to process their feelings, good and bad, recognizing that progress toward trust won’t follow a straight line. 

Together, the couple must find ways to discuss intense emotions without blame, criticism, or judgment. They will commit to meaningful connections through actions and working toward emotional and sexual intimacy. 

The couples therapists at Happy Apple use the Gottman Method as well as additional evidence-based techniques like cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), emotionally focused therapy (EFT), and internal family systems (IFS) therapy to help partners reconnect after infidelity. 

Schedule your initial consultation by phone or using our online booking link today.